It seems like every time someone asks me how senior year is treating me my immediate answer is "I'm just ready to be done" or "only 100 days left" and looking back at it its pretty hard to think that I can actually say that in a way that gets people convinced that that's the truth because in all honesty, growing up scares me to death.
I've spent the last 6 years of my life wishing I was older. I thought that when I "grew up" everything would be perfect. I thought that when I "grew up" I could accomplish anything I put my mind to. I thought that when I "grew up" I wouldn't be afraid of anything. I spent so long waiting for that day when I would "grow up" and everything would be different, but what I didn't ever bother to think about was the fact that "growing up" isn't a single event, it isn't a thing, and it isn't just a moment, its simply the way life works.
you see the thing about "growing up" is that you have absolutely no idea that it's happening, every once and a while you'll pause and look at something you've accomplished or you'll think of how far you've come but then time catches up to you and you find yourself racing off to the next activity and forgetting it all and before you know it you're 6 years older, you're graduating in 100 days, and all you want is to be 12 again so you can have 6 more years to figure it all out. To figure out that in reality all those goals you have for yourself aren't really going to happen, and to figure out that there wont ever be a day when you just wake up and all your insecurities and confidence issues will just be gone. And most of all to figure out that all those moments where you thought you hated "being the only one your age" and feeling absolutely alone were actually some of the moments that would teach you the most about life.
So that leaves me here. I'm 18 years old and graduate on May 28th. 100 days away. that's 100 days of trying to figure out where I belong. 100 days of trying to create some happy ending to this thing they call "high school". And 100 days of trying to get myself to realize that I'm coming to an end of this crazy ride that I can never seem to figure out if I hate or love. I know the books not over and this is far from the end but in reality, I guess its safe to say I'm not ready to end this chapter.
"Growing up" is far from what I always imagined it would be. There wasn't a pivotal moment in my life where everything changed nor am I expecting one anytime in the near future but that's kind of what makes it fun. from the second we're born to the second we die the clock just keeps on ticking. we can't stop it. we cant slow it down. We can simply live it.
So to everyone who ask me how I'm doing or how school is going in the near future don't be surprised if I say something along the lines of "I'm just ready to be done" or "only 100 days left" because in the end I just don't have the guts to admit that I would do anything to make it all last a little bit longer.
