There is Help and Happiness Ahead

      It’s just one of those nights. I went to bed three hours ago but here I am, still awake. There’s too much running through my head for me to even begin to fathom the thought of falling asleep. Quite honestly it’s the last thing on my mind. Before it on the list is a jumbled up pile of emotions. Thoughts of uncertainty for my future intertwined with my imminent needs and circumstance barricade my brain from moving forward. I’m scared and frustrated and stressed yet at the same time I’m grateful and excited to see what lies ahead for me. This combination, as unpleasant as it may be, is one that I’ve come to know very well in my 19 years of life.

           

      It’s my first semester of college. I’m away from home and the emotions are far from what I've dreamed of over the past few years. I miss my family. I struggle with the sudden shift in responsibility that now leaves me to choose whether or not it’s worth it to spend a few more bucks for real food or just buy the fake fifty-cent grayish canned version. I don’t know what course to take in order to achieve my goals and it seems as if nobody has a good answer for me. I feel alone even in a room full of people.

          

     I have been blessed with the ability to attend a four year university that is providing me with an incredible education. I have a family that loves me and would do anything for me, they’re mine for eternity. I was blessed with a job prior to coming to school that allowed me to gain experience far above my expectations and provided me the ability to find a way to enjoy my first semester of college without stressing about the “Canned VS. Fresh” debate too much. I know what I want to do and I have dreams that I will find a way to achieve no matter what anybody says. I have enough close friends here to fill a room. I am never truly alone.

            

      So why is it that we allow these two perspectives to intertwine and cause a raging headache that keeps us up at night? To be completely honest I don’t think it’s really our choice. Maybe I’m just prone to worrying too much but I believe that the stresses of everyday life are some of the most emotionally tolling thoughts that we’re forced to confront. I have spent hours upon hours agonizing over these emotions and not getting anywhere. Hopelessness seems inevitable.

            

      At a recent devotional I learned a not so secret fact that helps ease the sleepless-hopeless nights. Are you ready for this?

            

      We know the end of the plan. We know we have the ability to one day return to live with our Heavenly Father, there is no “opting out” of this plan. There is life after our time on Earth. We preach and prophesy of this plan, so why is it that we allow these events that are in reality so small cloud our view of what lies ahead? To get us so upset that we look down and feel despair instead of looking up and expressing thanks for the blessings that are so abundantly poured into our lives?

            

      Don’t get me wrong I’m not perfect at the practicing of this principle. I've had moments of doubt and internal struggles that I assumed beyond repair. I've hung my head and been angry, but I’m done with that.

            

      I know we have a Father in Heaven and a Savior who love us in ways there are not words for. I know that I have the ability to one day return to live with them leaving the struggles of this earthly life behind to meet in their embrace. They aren't “too cool” for any of us. They love us in our doubts and our shortcomings and our struggles even when we find it difficult to love ourselves. They have placed these trials and tribulations upon us so we can grow and learn, they may be hard but they will not leave us alone with them. They are ALWAYS there and they are ALWAYS willing to help if we will just reach out and turn to them.

            

      Well there it is. The “deep” thoughts of some 19 year old kid who’s a little homesick and trying to be a little happier. Who knows, maybe this all sounds crazy, and maybe I’m just crazy, but I know that I want that moment of embrace with Christ to be the best and sweetest and most genuine embrace it could possibly be.

            

      So that’s it. Me telling the whole world that I’m going to try a little harder to be a little better and think a little happier.

“Some blessings come soon, some come late, and some don’t come until heaven; but for those who embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ, they come.” –Jeffrey R Holland

100 days.

             It seems like every time someone asks me how senior year is treating me my immediate answer is "I'm just ready to be done" or "only 100 days left" and looking back at it its pretty hard to think that I can actually say that in a way that gets people convinced that that's the truth because in all honesty, growing up scares me to death.

I've spent the last 6 years of my life wishing I was older. I thought that when I "grew up" everything would be perfect. I thought that when I "grew up" I could accomplish anything I put my mind to. I thought that when I "grew up" I wouldn't be afraid of anything. I spent so long waiting for that day when I would "grow up" and everything would be different, but what I didn't ever bother to think about was the fact that "growing up" isn't a single event, it isn't a thing, and it isn't just a moment, its simply the way life works.

              you see the thing about "growing up" is that you have absolutely no idea that it's happening, every once and a while you'll pause and look at something you've accomplished or you'll think of how far you've come but then time catches up to you and you find yourself racing off to the next activity and forgetting it all and before you know it you're 6 years older, you're graduating in 100 days, and all you want is to be 12 again so you can have 6 more years to figure it all out. To figure out that in reality all those goals you have for yourself aren't really going to happen, and to figure out that there wont ever be a day when you just wake up and all your insecurities and confidence issues will just be gone. And most of all to figure out that all those moments where you thought you hated "being the only one your age" and feeling absolutely alone were actually some of the moments that would teach you the most about life.

                 So that leaves me here. I'm 18 years old and graduate on May 28th. 100 days away. that's 100 days of trying to figure out where I belong. 100 days of trying to create some happy ending to this thing they call "high school". And 100 days of trying to get myself to realize that I'm coming to an end of this crazy ride that I can never seem to figure out if I hate or love. I know the books not over and this is far from the end but in reality, I guess its safe to say I'm not ready to end this chapter.

                 "Growing up" is far from what I always imagined it would be. There wasn't a pivotal moment in my life where everything changed nor am I expecting one anytime in the near future but that's kind of what makes it fun. from the second we're born to the second we die the clock just keeps on ticking. we can't stop it. we cant slow it down. We can simply live it.

                 So to everyone who ask me how I'm doing or how school is going in the near future don't be surprised if I say something along the lines of "I'm just ready to be done" or "only 100 days left" because in the end I just don't have the guts to admit that I would do anything to make it all last a little bit longer.